Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Don't make out with my wife yet
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
