Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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