i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
