Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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