What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Still dying that you shit outside
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
