i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
