if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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