from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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