I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
