11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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