I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
