Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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