obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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