it's not cheating when I paid for it
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you had me at cake vodka
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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