So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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