I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
