Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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