Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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