i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
