After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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