i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
