I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
