I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
