you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
