bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
