Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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