My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
