I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
