apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
