In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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