I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
