I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
