It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
