im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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