i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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