All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
