I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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