We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
