I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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