I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
