our cab driver is having phone sex.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
