remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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