I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
