Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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