my soul wont recognize me after tonight
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
