rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
