God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
