thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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