Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
