Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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