my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The uberlube is also flammable
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize