tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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