we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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