so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
