I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
