We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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