By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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