you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would ride that face into the sunset
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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