it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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